Wreck The Malls
by Red Witch
Summary: The Brotherhood cause havoc when they go holiday shopping the day after Thanksgiving.


**Disclaimer: I don't own the X-men or anything else. Sad really. I got the inspiration for this story from two sources: My annual pilgrimage to the mall (Yes shopping the day after Thanksgiving is not only a tradition, it is a necessity of life in my case!) And the parody "Wreck the Malls" by the Bob Rivers Comedy Corp. It's very funny! You gotta hear it!**

**Wreck The Malls**

"I can't believe we are doing this!" Pietro's teeth chattered in the cold air as they walked through the parking lot. "Why did you wake us all up at an ungodly hour on a **vacation** day to go to the mall? The day after Thanksgiving? With tons of whining kids with runny noses, loud mouth mothers, endless lines and god knows what else prowling around here? Why?"

"Because we might as well get our gift shopping done and over with when we have money from Toad and Tabby's last little forage!" Lance exclaimed patiently. 

"That's not the real reason," Todd said. "Kitty's here too isn't she? She came back last night didn't she?"

"How did you know that?" Lance gasped. 

"The same way you found out, by spying on the X-Geeks mansion last night!" Todd said. "I followed you! I figured they'd all come running back after our little 'visit' yesterday."

"Oh great!" Fred moaned. "I'm missing some serious dream time because Lance wants to stalk his precious little Kitty Kat!" 

"Well…" Lance mumbled.

"Come on troops we're falling behind!" Tabitha shouted. She was dressed rather differently today. She was wearing a military style camouflage outfit complete with a beret. "We have to be in prime position go! Go!"

"Well that and to keep General Boom Boom happy," Lance groaned. "What is it with women and shopping the day after Thanksgiving?"

"What is it?" Tabitha glared at him. "This is no ordinary shopping trip soldier! This is the day where you either snooze or you lose! This isn't just about getting the perfect gift for those people you care about! No! Shopping the day after Thanksgiving is as American as Apple Pie! It is a shot in the arm, stimulating the lifeblood of the economy! It's every patriotic citizen's duty to shop 'til you drop! This is a test of strength and endurance! It separates the real women from the weak little boys! Now move out!"

"You know I've never seen this side of Tabby before," Todd said. "I wish I hadn't."

"Okay troops let's meet back at oh-9-hundred!" Tabitha checked her watch. "Or oh-12-oh just meet back here at noon! CHARGE IT!" 

The guys watched Tabitha take off and throw herself into the mad throng of shoppers. "I don't suppose we could just leave her here?" Todd asked.

"Come on guys let's spilt up and look for Kitty!" Lance said.

"Yeah, Fred and I will take the food court," Todd said. "Come on Fred, let's get something!"

"You'll be on the look out for Kitty right?" Lance asked hopefully.

"Uh yeah, right Lance," Fred rolled his eyes. Then he whispered to Todd. "Let's make a break for it!"

"Well that just leaves you and me," Lance sighed. "Where do you wanna check out first Pietro?"

"How about we go to the toy store?" Pietro suggested. 

"What is it with you and the toy store?" Lance asked. "Every time you go in there you cause trouble. You're like a hyper little kid. No I take that back. You are a hyper little kid!"

"I'd rather be a hyper kid than a lovesick loon! Ugh! What's with all the lame muzak?" Pietro gagged and covered his ears. "Ugh. Somebody should really change it. Oh Lance…"

"Oh no, forget about it Pietro," Lance said. "Not this time. You are not dragging me into one of your crazy schemes."

"I think I saw a sign back there that would show us the way around. Maybe we can find a way to change the music into something more interesting. More edgy!"

"No!" Lance stated.

"Come on Lance! Let's check out the control room and have some fun!" Pietro piped up. 

"Pietro, this is a mall. Not Asteroid M. It's called a main office and no I am not going to help you break in so you can change the music." Lance groaned. 

"You can also use the security system to look for Kitty."

"Which way did you say that sign was again?

Tabitha strode through the mall like General Patton, shopping bags in each arm. She was wearing sunglasses and chewing a straw. She took a deep breath and smiled. "I love the smell of sales in the morning!"

She caught sight of some brightly colored sweaters. "Oooh! Designer sweaters! I love these!" She elbowed several people out of her way and knocked them down. She grabbed one at the same time someone else did. She glared at the person. Jean held on to the other end of the sweater. 

"Let go Jeanie," Tabitha said. "I saw it first!"

"You let go," Jean said. "You can't afford anything like this anyway!"

"But this is the right color for me, unlike you. It will, well make you look worse than you usually do!"

"Jean are you gonna stand here all…?" Rogue came up and froze when she saw Tabitha. "What are you doing here?" she snarled.

"Debating U.S. Policy in the Middle East," Tabitha answered. "What's it look like I'm doing? Let go!"

"No you let go!" Jean snapped.

"I'm warning you if you don't let go I'm gonna…oh hey Duncan!"

"What?" Jean whirled around. Tabitha took the opportunity to yank the sweater out of her grasp. "Hey!"

"Victory!" She crowed as she ran off, the sweater held high in her hands. 

"That little…" Jean fumed.

"I can't believe you fell for that," Rogue shook her head. "You really need to work on your telepathy Jean."

All of the sudden heavy metal music blared out of the speakers. "What the heck is going on?" Jean asked. "What happened to the Christmas music? Is that…? Twisted Sister?"

"Who cares!" Rogue snapped. "We gotta get that thieving little witch! The rest of the Brotherhood is probably here causing some mischief."

"Right!" Jean nodded in agreement. They chased after Tabitha with murder in their eyes. 

Scott and Evan stepped inside a glass elevator. "Man why did we let the girls drag us here?" Evan moaned.

"Because they made us," Scott sighed. "At least we got away. For now."

"Hey! Look there's Blob and Toad!" Evan pointed. "I say we have a little talk with them for trashing the mansion again yesterday!"

"Let's go! What?" Scott startled. "The doors are stuck!"

"Hey we're going up again!" Evan said. "What gives?"

"Now we're going down again!" Scott shouted. The elevator kept going up and down, up and down, faster and faster. 

"It's like we're some kind of human yo-yo!" Evan turned green as the ride kept going faster. "I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"I think the Brotherhood is behind this….AGGGHH!"

"Man I'm gonna lose my lunch!" Evan screamed as the ride picked up speed. "HELP!" 

Oblivious to the screams from the elevator, Todd and Fred were happily slurping Slushies, wandering around aimlessly. "I like these chocolate mocha flavored Slushies!" Fred chirped happily. "Extra sugary!"

"Oh yeah. So what do you wanna do now Freddy?" Todd asked as he finished his.

"Hey! Pet store!" Fred pointed. "Come on Toad! Let's look at the animals!"

"Okay," Todd shrugged. They looked at them. Particularly the puppies that wagged their tails excitedly. 

"Boy they're excited little guys aren't they?" Fred asked.

"You'd be excited too if you had a chance to escape from those tiny cages yo," Todd told him. "Look how desperate for attention those little guys are!"

"Poor little animals," Fred pouted looking at the cages.

"Yeah locked up all day with no exercise and very little food and water," Todd whimpered. "No one to hug and care for them. No one to play with. I sure know what that's like. It ain't right!"

Both got the idea at the same time. They looked at each other slyly. "Freddy, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"Oh yeah," Fred grinned. 

"You create a distraction," Todd grinned a wicked grin. "I'll take care of the rest!" 

Meanwhile in the toy store, pandemonium reigned. 

"Who put dresses on all the Ken dolls?"

"All the jigsaw puzzles are mixed up!"

"Who turned on all the toy robots?" 

"How did that bubble gum get in there?"

"Look out for the marbles on the floor!" 

"There's silly string everywhere!"

"This crazy white haired kid said 'I bet that this toy car can go faster than that one!' So I bet him!"

"How do you turn off all these bubble machines?"

"Who drew mustaches on the Barbies?" 

"Look out! The remote controlled rockets are running amok!"

"I quit!" 

After a while, Lance finally got bored playing around with the elevator's controls. He finally found the object of his affection at the food court and quickly made his way there. To his chagrin he saw Kurt was sitting next to Kitty and they were laughing. 

"Hey Kitty," Lance elbowed Kurt out of his seat and sat next to Kitty. "Fancy meeting you here!" 

"Lance!" Kurt snapped. "Watch it you jerk!"

"Uh Kurt why don't you go do some shopping?" Kitty asked. "Don't worry, I'll be okay. It's only Lance."

"Yeah why don't you go to the pet shop?" Lance said. "I heard they have a sale on flea collars!"

"Lance," Kitty glared at him.

"So-rry," Lance apologized sheepishly. 

"I need to get a breath of fresh air!" Kurt snapped. He was really going to look for Scott. He had no idea Scott was still trapped in the elevator. 

"So did you have a nice Thanksgiving Kitty?" Lance blinked.

"Well I did, until I learned that the mansion got trashed!" She snapped.

"Aw come on Kitty, it was just a harmless little prank," Lance pouted. "It's not like anybody got hurt or anything! Don't be mad. It was just for fun. Actually it was mostly Quicksilver's idea! I just kinda went along with the ride. Toad and Blob really made me do it. They just wanted to play and holidays are for the children!"

"Well…" She fidgeted. "No real damage was done."

"See? Just harmless fun!" Lance said. "Kitty despite what Summers and the others tell you, we're not all bad. Okay we like to fool around and rebel, but it's not like we always cause trouble everywhere we go!"

Suddenly a huge collective scream came out of the pet department nearby. "What was that?" Kitty asked.

"Um, maybe there's a kibble sale?" Lance asked hopefully. His hopes were dashed when dozens of cats raced out of the store and spread out all over the mall. Many of them got underfoot of shoppers and tripped them.

"Oh no," Lance groaned as he saw a herd of various animals flee from the pet store. "I have seen this before. I know I have!" He watched as a pack of beagle puppies chased a dingy Santa. Parrots and other birds flew everywhere.

"BE FREE MY FELLOW CREATURES!" a very familiar voice rang out.

"Oh yes," Lance covered his eyes with one hand. "Now I remember." 

"CHARGE!" Tabitha rode past them on a Harley motorcycle through the crowd. "OUTTA MY WAY!" 

"Where did she get a motorcycle?" Lance asked.

"I dunno, maybe from that pack of angry biker guys chasing her," Kitty quipped as they ran by. 

"They're not the only ones," Lance remarked. Jean and Rogue were following behind in a security vehicle. 

"BRING US BACK THAT SWEATER YOU LITTLE MANIAC!" Jean shouted. 

"Um…Did I mention that it wasn't my idea to come here today?" Lance smiled nervously at Kitty's hard stare. "Hey I didn't do anything! I'm just minding my own business. Nope, I'm being good."

"Hey Lance!" Pietro zipped up. "So did you let Summers out of the elevator yet?"

"What?" Kitty snapped. 

"He did it!" Lance pointed to Pietro in desperation. 

"What?" Pietro gasped. 

"Lance you are such a jerk!" Kitty stormed off. 

"Kitty…" Lance pleaded. He whirled around. "Nice going you jerk! I was just about to make my move when you showed up!"

"Hey don't blame me for your lousy love life!" Pietro said. "What happened here?" He picked up a kitten. "Did Kitty get jealous of the competition?" He put it down and it scampered away. 

"Very funny! You two over here!" He shouted at Fred and Todd who were trying to sneak away. "I can't take you losers anywhere can I?"

"Come on Lance let's go before the X-Geeks show up," Pietro said.

"YOU MANIACS ARE SO DEAD!"

They turned around and saw Scott, Kurt and a very wobbly Evan fuming behind them. There were a few other mutants from the institute with them as well. 

"Whatcha gonna do?" Lance taunted. "Blast us through the walls? I'll bet Baldy would love that!" 

"He's right," Kurt grumbled. "I hate to admit it."

"Hey, we don't need our powers to teach these chumps a lesson!" Evan made a fist. 

"Fine if that's how you want it!" Lance shouted. "Let's rock!" 

He focused his powers and created a tremor. Everyone panicked and a huge crowd collided and ran over the X-Men. Lance and the others took this opportunity to make a strategic retreat. Soon they were outside. 

"Well that was fun," Pietro quipped. "Now we should find…"

"YAHOO! THIS IS SO COOL!"

They saw Tabitha riding the Harley again. Only this time she had a burly biker clinging to dear life on the back of the motorcycle. "Help me!" He sobbed. "Big Charley needs help! Save me from this crazy girl!" 

"Well it looks like Tabby got a ride home," Todd said as they sped away.

"Come on guys let's go home," Lance said. "Party's over."

"Hey you little punks!"

They turned around and saw a very poor imitation of Santa Claus run up to them.

"What's your problem?" Lance snapped. "Other than a diet and exercise one."

"I saw what you little jerks did in the pet shop! Come back with me right now!" He snapped.

"What are you gonna do if we don't?" Pietro laughed. "Put coal in our stockings?"

"Yea. You ain't even the real Santa!" Fred laughed. 

"Yeah you…" Todd looked at Fred. "The real Santa? Freddy don't tell me…"

"Never mind!" Lance snapped. "Go play with some elves pal."

"Loudmouth little brats!" The Fake Santa snarled. "In my day kids respected their elders!"

"Oh yeah?" Lance snapped. "Guys let's give this guy the respect he deserves!" He started to unbuckle his pants and turned around. The rest of the guys followed suit.

"You little punks!" He screamed clutching his chest. "You…you…!"

"I don't believe this!" Scott shouted as they ran outside.

"They're mooning the Santa!" Kitty gasped. 

"Uh oh," Lance turned red. "This was not one of my better ideas! Run!" 


End file.
